I’m sorry it’s been so long. I truly truly am. The thing is, life, that funny little thing we all do without a second thought got in the way.
I started University, for months this was a dream, and then became a goal I’d finally achieved. Now for most people that’s great. Go me for reaching a goal right?
Within seconds, minutes, hours of being introduced to University life I was in hell. It was torture getting through the day. The lecturers are lovely people as are those on my course. But the problem is that as soon as I enter the rooms my head starts a mantra of;
You can’t do this you can’t do this you don’t need this leave leave leave leave leave
Fun times. I am commuting daily which is better than living in as I tried that last year and within a week I was at home having a breakdown. I admire those who live in, two people on my course actually moved countries to come to my uni, a feat I admire and love about them.
I love that I live at home still, I get a nice warm bed, no loud noises, food, heating, my dogs. My teddy and penguin (yes I’m 19 and still sleep with a teddy but fuckyou if you tell me you still don’t have a teddy bear from childhood). Living at home means I have to pay around £7-8 a day for train fares. I go in 4 times a week which equates to less than £40 a week for my travel as oppose to £100 for one weeks’ rent.
Living in is hella cheap.
I love living in. I mean sure I have to get up at half 6 for my 9:15 lectures but I can deal with that.
Since starting uni though, my mental health has taken a massive decline. Before starting I was excited, happy to start. Ready for my life to begin, now… now it’s 2/3 weeks in and I dread most days. I wake up panicked. I go to sleep panicked. My eating is way off the charts and sometimes, before I leave my house, I cry. Not only do I cry but I sob. Sob silently when things get too much. When people around me are telling me;
It’ll get easier
You’ll love it
You’re smart! You need to do this, you should do this.
It doesn’t make this situation any better. Those sorts of comments are obviously stacked with love and meaning but fill me with terror and guilt and a sense of being a disappointment if I don’t just stick at it.
From the age of 12 I have been depressed. That’s a strong word for an age that isn’t even a teen. A strong word for any age really. For me a number of factors led to a depression, from loss of friendships to a sudden lack of communication within family life.
This all accumulated into many negative thoughts. I’m not going to pretend that I’m a happy person 100% of the time. Nobody ever is, life would be boring if you were. One can not go a lifetime with only happy moments. There have to be some sad moments to know when you the happy moments are.
I do go off track slightly but bare with me, I’m getting to a point.
University work is hard, despite only doing one 500 word review- shorter than this blog post, I’m finding it hard to cope with the work. Especially as first year doesn’t count towards anything. Sure it gets me to second year but it doesn’t count towards my degree at all.
That sucks so much, and in fact has caused me to cry numerous times.
Now I know what you’re thinking, or at least what some of you are thinking.
-Hardly any first years count
-Uni gets better!!
-You’ll love it soon enough
And whilst that is all good advice and information it doesn’t help the here and now. I would rather have two intense years and be finished, than 3 years when one doesn’t count.
I’m doing a Drama degree which in itself is intense as our lectures are all 4 hours whereas most of my friends lectures are 3 hours maximum.
I understand that uni can get better, but hear me out. I’ve done uni once, granted I stayed for a week so don’t really have much say in that experience but I know my mind.
I had a gap year that helped me so much but within one day the help it had created had broken away. This year is different. I’m at home, I’m doing a subject I love. I get to be with passionate people.
So literally, looking at it like that, it seems to be what the hell kind of problem do I have?
Answer: I’m not sure.
My head is a constant source of wonder. I go through many ups and downs, like one would go on a theme park ride. It goes fast, slow, up, down and in circles.
I’m not making a decision as headfast as dropping out so quickly, nor am I committing myself to 3 years of my head being like this all the time.
It is universally acknowledged that University is tough, regardless of what course you study, where you study and if you live in or not.
As I have experienced more than my fair share of horrific life events. In one year I’ve nearly lost my mother, had a mental breakdown and moved from my home to London and back again within 6 days.
Tough year or what?
I always thought University would be the start of a brand new life, but as I neither like to go out drinking and partying till 3am (tried it once, don’t like who I am when drunk) but sadly it’s not been the case. My ideal life is to read or watch a film. I also like my home comforts.
Call me old fashioned, but that is me.
Poor mental health at the moment is also me.
I’m taking each day as it comes, but even some days are hard to even contemplate let alone do.
If you have experienced/are experiencing similar times likes I am or even if if you have some advice for me, please comment- it would be very appreciated!