It seems so long since I last spoke to you all directly from my heart but here I am days off from starting my second year of university.
As I inch closer to it, as I urge my way through each day until I am reunited with my friends I think back over the past year.
A year ago I was in an awful state, in a really bad place and just couldn’t fathom doing one month of uni let alone a year. But I was lucky, I found some truly amazing people over these past few months.
This is going to be a more personal post than I’m used to and I’m still debating on whether or not I should post it (if you are reading this future me; it’s OKAY to not post it if you don’t want to!).
Let’s go for the beginning of uni okay? Now I was fully confident I was going to finish year one and leave. Ask any of my friends and they would say the same thing. In fact, it wasn’t until I began my second semester that I began to think, “hey this actually isn’t so bad!”
FYI Second Semester began at the end of January/ start of February. So until that point, I was still dealing with extreme low points. I didn’t quite realise how bad I was until my tutor told me I looked much happier than when she’d last spoke to me.
Now for the more, personal approach to my post.
From the age of 13 I… I can’t actually write the words because it’s hard for me to admit to it. But… I’m sure you can probably gather what it was. I fell through a gaping massive black hole and was still trapped in its grip when I re-applied to uni back in Jan 2016.
I was still trapped in November and even up to March this year.
I’ve worked through some of my issues but some still tear away at me, as I’m sure a lot of you have issues that just never quite go away. And that’s okay I guess, I mean I’ve learned to live with mine and hey if I wanna stay in my room reading a book about a girl who sees monsters, instead of facing the real world, then that’s okay. Just like it’s okay to demolish all of the cake.
Off topic there, sorry! Where was I? Ah yes… now, this next part will never really be written because I just can’t even say the words allowed without massive courage. When I was 5 something awful happened to me. Something truly awful that I probably need therapy about but I don’t know if I could even open up to a therapist.
It also happened around the same time I discovered a lump on my neck. I can remember both events as clear as if it was yesterday. So….let’s focus on the lump?
At age 5, I was diagnosed with neurofibromatosis, this is basically tumors growing in the nervous system.
Soon after diagnosis, I had to have an operation to get some of the tissue out of my neck to test it. Luckily, it was deemed benign and 5 year old me got a week off school out of it!
I also got 2 beanie babies and a scar on my neck.
So I was 5 years old and already had some harrowing experiences. Fast forward 7 years and I lost my best friend, not death losing, but we had a silly row and we never recovered.
Flash forward a few more years and friends I once had at the start of High School I again, no longer had. To put it plainly, I sucked at having friends. I mean don’t get me wrong I still have friends from High School, but like, I honestly, suck at friends. I always feel like I don’t deserve them. I’m afraid of having them and then being abandoned all over again with no way of getting anyone else.
My mum once told me I’m afraid to be happy and I think she’s right. I am afraid. I’m afraid to let myself enjoy life and be who I want to be. I’m afraid of loving myself.
Real personal again here, some friends know this, some don’t. But in the year 2015, I was all set to move to London. I even got there and had a room and everything! But the second I was alone, I had a breakdown.
All the years of being low, unhappy, being bullied, crushed me. Broke my soul and resulted in coming back home after a week and sobbing that I never wanted to go to university ever again.
Flash forward almost exactly a year and I was lucky enough to get a “do-over”. A restart if it were and I was still boarding on that breakdown.
But, I persevered, I also sang in almost every lecture (soz guys). Made up songs, silly songs, songs I’d been listening to on my way to uni. But they acted as a crutch. A great crutch because I loved each one.
I’m not even sure I’m making any sense now, but, I need to get my thoughts out. Okay, so during the year I had off. I discovered Starkid and I can hand on heart say if I didn’t discover them I wouldn’t have gone back to uni.
Little do people know I actually found out about them during my Wicked craze. I watched Twisted and fell in love with them, however, I had to get my laptop prepared and had my history deleted in an effort to save it. This meant I forgot all about them until a few months later. Anyway, off topic again. A few months after deciding, “hey uni ain’t that bad. I think I’ll stay”, I got to meet some of Starkid. I got to meet my actual favorite too! Lauren Lopez, the kindest, sweetest most amazing lady. She gives me such inspiration and helps me drive my need and want of improving myself.
During the weekend I met Starkid, I also met someone I’ve known for 5 years and had never met. I also met her friends and they gave me (as did EVERYONE I met at the convention) my confidence.
I went down to London so nervous that I smacked my head on the bus, forgot you paid by card/Oyster and barely ate the entire weekend.
But in those 3 short days I gained what I had lost.
Confidence and self-love.
I even SANG a song in front of Starkid!!! Can you imagine that?? I’d never sung to a big crowd before and certainly not with a mic!!!
Although I’d sang in Starbucks a few months prior, I don’t count that as it was assessed and wasn’t for the love of singing.
But in front of Starkid, that was my first ever performance. A year ago I told myself I couldn’t sing. But there I was, up on stage, Lauren was singing along. Joey high-fived me and it was the best night of my life.
I even got a lot of positive feedback from Lauren, Jaime and Joey. So you can really see how in those 3 days how my confidence came skyrocketing back!
(if anyone is curious click below for a listen to that performance)
Flash forward a few weeks and uni is done until September! I’m in shock I lasted a year! In shock I made friends! In shock I re-did my Pottermore test and got Hufflepuff…
But then I realised. I was a Slytherin during my darkest hour, my worst of days, the black hole era.
I found out I was a Hufflepuff once I realised I was happier than I had been in years.
I began to be the person I had desperately been wanting to be all these years. All this time and there I was, back to who I should’ve been. Back to who I was born to be.
Myself, an INFJ, a Hufflepuff, an actor, a singer, a prance around the room and call yourself a dancer. A silly mad woman who just wants to love the world and be loved back. A girl who dared to dream.
Fear is a four letter word that I let consume me for far too long.
Love is four letter word I denied myself for far too long.
But Hope? Hope is a four letter word I send to all of you to remind you that I am alive today because I dared to hope. Dared to dream. Dared to find myself.